Smoo Choo the Magic Moo & the Secret of Whispering Wood

Quick links on this page:

• critique
• about the children's story market

This is a story poem, and – aside from a story I wrote for my niece once, all about her and the family, making it too personal to try and publish – is the only kid’s short story I’ve ever worked on. It took me six months to complete. If I’d realised how difficult it would be, I doubt I’d ever have started it. Short stories for children are incredibly hard to write, especially when they rhyme. For anyone trying to undertake a task like this, there are two excellent online rhyming dictionaries; Rhyme Zone and Rhymer. Without these two websites, I’d never have completed this story.

Smoo Choo the Magic Moo and the Secret of Whispering Wood has not yet been published. However, it has been shortlisted twice, firstly in Children’s Writers annual competition where it made it into the final 12% of over 2,500 entries (so say; after the initial elation of being shortlisted, I re-read the letter they sent me and it came across like a sales pitch, telling me all about their writing courses and that only the top 12% of entrants who are short-listed are written to – why would they choose to miss out on selling to the other 88% of entrants? OK, maybe I’m becoming more cynical as I get older , but it just doesn’t add up...) and secondly in issue 118 of Writers’ Forum, the September 2011 edition (not chosen as a winner).

I am still entering this story in other competitions, hence it doesn’t appear here yet, as most competitions and magazines wouldn’t accept it if I did put it on the site and I’d dearly love it to be published somewhere else first. However, as it has been shortlisted, it will definitely appear here at some point in the future, so I have created the page.

Below, you can read the critique I received from Writers’ Forum. By reading this critique, you will see some potential reasons why I might be encountering problems with having this story published. After receiving Lorraine’s comments, I changed the layout into couplets and have tweaked the story as much as I can to aid the problem highlighted at the end of the critique.

back to top

Smoo Choo the Magic Moo Critique

Hello Chris,
Smoo Choo the Magic Moo & the Secret of Whispering Wood
Thanks for entering the Writers’ Forum competition.
Presentation: Manuscript layout is generally good, but it might be better to lay out the couplets so that it is clearer that this is a story poem.
Title: Excellent.
Opening: Very good. This introduces Smoo Choo and his situation as well as setting the tone for the story poem to follow.
Dialogue: Minimal, but what there is works well.
Characterisation: Very good. All the characters are well fleshed out and easy to picture.
Overall: My only real concern about this well told story is the age group it is aimed at. The storyline and writing might be a touch too complex for very young readers/listeners, but it might be too simple for the age group who would understand the construction and be able to read it for themselves. However, I enjoyed it very much and am putting it forward for the next stage of judging. Should the story move forward to the top three, someone will be in touch to let you know.
Shortlisted
Best wishes, Lorraine Mace

back to top

About the Childrens' Story Market

I think I should also point out that the childrens' short story market is probably the hardest writing genre to break into as the competition is so fierce. Every parent who makes up a story to send their children to sleep suddenly thinks they can write. It’s not true. In this market, more than any other, you have to excel to stand out from the millions of other people trying to do exactly the same thing as you. Only the very best succeed.

Although I have another story in mind (Smoo Choo the Magic Moo & the Haunting of Higgledy Hedgerow) I’ve decided not to write it until I’ve had at least some success with the first story.

back to top